Monday, 7 May 2012

Chapter 7 - Please Don't Hate Me

This is going to be a live blogging which I quit my job. 

Oh boy.

I've solidified my new server position and will start training after work this month.  Now, my boss finally returned from his lengthy business trip and I am planning on giving my notice.  Last day?  June 1st. 

Right now, he's in a meeting and I'm sweating.  I know he isn't expecting this and truth be told, I have no grudge against Soul Crushing, Inc.  I've never given notice before though.  I mean, I've quit jobs but for obvious reasons like school or moving.  So this is new territory for me.

I also need to tell my manager.  Sorry, let me clarify.  I have a manager (whom I share an office with, how effed up is that?) and then we both have someone who oversees us.  I'm going to talk to Head Honcho first and then tell my Lady Boss. 

It's 9:47.  Head Honcho is in a meeting until 10.  I don't know why I get so anxious about confrontation!  I can feel my heart thumping and I can't keep my hands still (one of the reasons why I'm writing right now).  Also Lady Boss has been yapping on the phone with a friend since I came in this morning and it's really starting to grate on my nerves. 

9:54.  If she doesn't shut the fuck up, my head may explode.  Also, I have to pee. 

9:56.  Uh oh, she's about to get off the phone.  Going to hide in the bathroom. 

10:08.  Dammit!  She cornered me.  I'm 22!  I don't want to hear about your kids. 

10:13.  Trying to sneak away. 

10:14.  Okay, here goes!

10:33.  Whew.  I did it.  Still sweating, but I feel better.  Head Honcho was very understanding.  Lady Boss is back on the phone.  I'm waiting for her to get off it now so I can tell her.  It's like ripping off a Bandaid.  I'm on a roll, ready to get it done. 

11:02.  And it's done!  Well, Lady Boss took it surprisingly well. 

I feel relieved, honestly.  I think I'll have a little freak out when I have all this free time on my hands now, but I really am looking forward to sitting down and giving my writing everything I have.  It's time to focus on what I want.  For once. 

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Chapter 6 - Motivations

I want to talk about motivation today.  First,

My plan has been set in motion and amounts to this:
1.  Leave job at Soul Crushing, Inc. (and write).
2.  Start waitressing (and write).
3.  Move into a more affordable apartment (and write).
4.  Begin Creative Writing courses at a local university in the fall (and write).

As to #1, my parents are not very happy with me and while I understand, I respectfully disagree.  I have done everything practical and "right" in my life.  I've also done it in the correct order.  I graduated high school in the top of my class, went to one of the best public universities in the country, chose two majors and stuck to being pre-med, I didn't get arrested (just one drinking ticket, but come on - we like to pretend we're a dry university and that's laughable), I didn't get pregnant, I graduated in four years without amassing loads of debt, and I landed your typical office 9 to 5 after graduating.  I became financially independent.

What I'm saying is I did all the right things and you know what?  I'm unhappy because what I want isn't practical.  Sure, if I ever get published and make a living doing what I love, then all of this will seem like a bad dream, but I don't have a crystal ball.  My parents, I think, probably once had the same ambition and head-in-the-clouds kind of attitude that I do.  Call me crazy, say I'm regressing to childhood fantasy, but I am unwilling to give that up.  I pledge to always be curious about the world.  I do not ever want to lose the magic I see in day to day life.  I refuse to.

When I told my father, he sat back in his chair and did his sideways disapproving head-shake, keeping his eyes away from mine, and almost laughing, said, "My daughter, the waitress."  Like it was a slur.  Like I was slumming it to go back to where I've come from.  It would have made any other person angry.

For me, it lights a fire under my ass.  My entire life I've felt that I have to fight for what I want.  I told them I was going to college.  I told them I was going to be pre-med.  I told them I was going to Spain.  I told them I was going to run a marathon.

I did all those things.  So I know when I tell them that I'm going to be a writer, one day through hard work and dedication I will be a writer.  It may not be soon and I'm sure as hell it won't come easy, but it will happen.  My best motivation has always been someone telling me I can't do something.  So I will take the little head shakes and that twitch at the corner of everyone's mouths when I tell them I'm quitting my job to write a book and I'll pocket it for later when I'm bogged down in the middle of it, wondering why the hell I wanted to get myself into this business.

Second, I thought I'd share some of the motivations behind Momentum (current word count: 57, 607 - I know I've been slacking).  Although it isn't happening yet because no one really gives a shit what I have to say at the moment (but that will change, world! *shakes fist*), I know eventually someone will ask me where I get my ideas.

The idea for this story came from several different experiences.  One of the scariest books I ever read was Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  I had nightmares for years after, not about the act of killing someone, but the guilt and paranoia that follow it.  Then, one night my junior year of college, I was leaving the library at 2 am, in a caffeine-and-Adderall-incuded haze and I passed by some of the frat houses on campus.  They sit in two semi-circles, Frat Court where there are 5 houses, and the aptly named Little Frat Court where there are 3.  As I cruised by Little Frat Court, I saw that the courtyard they all face was lit up in blue lights.  They were having a party.

And that was that.  The blue skinned girl came directly from that.

I also found a feeling I wanted to capture.  I believe you can bare the most intimate parts of yourself with writing.  It is a vulnerable task by nature and I wanted to explore a feeling I've felt often during my life.  Not to go all emo on your ass, but there is something very lonely and alienating about watching a party go on without you.  I've written about it before (not here), but it's like standing outside on the street and watching that warm happy glow come through a window you aren't allowed through.  JR, the main character in Momentum, spends a lot of time glimpsing things through windows.  I want the reader to feel that sort of alienation with him, the want to join in on that life you've only seen in flashes before, but somehow you can't find a way inside.

Hopefully, I can articulate all the things I want in this book without bashing the reader over the head with it.  If I can, I think this thing may be halfway decent.